Lactose
by Sarahbelle Saunders
Summary: An attempt to explain fics where the FS Links are together. Though why Shadow and Vaati are here, we're not really sure. Part crack, mostly aftermath. Rated for Shadow's mouth.


Oneshot written at 2am. I'm sorry forever. Please don't take this as an indication of my writing skill? I-please? Will probably never add anything to this, but I have 8k words of bullshitty FS fanfic plot sitting around on my computer with no capitals and too much slash that makes no sense. ;(

**444444**

A sharp rapping on the door was the first thing the hero heard.

From the second Link woke up, he knew something was wrong. Not only did his entire body ache, but he felt as though he were... missing something. Frowning, he dragged his hand out from under his chest to push himself up. Oh, well he was missing his shirt. That explained it.

As he slowly dragged his eyes from the soothing blankness of his pillow to the window, a sharp pain stabbed through his head, making him avert his gaze from the sharpness of the light outside. The only noise Link seemed to be able to muster, however, was a groan reminiscent of a redead's greeting.

"Hrmg," he replied to the repeated knock on the door. Despite his warning, it continued. Link screwed up his brow and rolled over to stare at the door. "Gmmm," he finally repealed, inviting the guest in as best he could.

The person at the door seemed to acknowledge this as the best they were going to get, and entered. Link squinted his eyes at the person in the door, unable to see past that damned light.

"Link...? Uh, Green?"

The boy in bed found himself coming to. The uncertain tone in that familiar voice was something that was worrying to him, though he couldn't figure out exactly why.

A yawn escaped his jaws, and Link found himself gagging. His eyes now fully open, staring at his father in the doorway, he frowned and cupped his hands in front of his mouth, smelling his breath nervously.

Finding himself nearly knocked back by the scent of his own breath, Link attempted to regain composure. Well, that was different. Sort of smelled like milk, though where had the strength come from...?

Mind still muddled, Link realized he had absolutely no clue how he had gotten into his own bedroom. Paling slightly, he did his best to recall the previous day, and quickly noted that all he could remember was a celebration of the anniversary of his adventure with the Four Sword.

Followed by... he was looking for his father. The very same father that was now looking at him, expression a mixture of worry, distaste, and guilt, from the doorway.

Well, that was weird.

Either way, he had been looking for his father. He had come across a man who had pointed him in the direction of... the Milk Bar? Link's passive frown deepened. He had thought his father a better man than that, but... what had happened then?

He remembered being welcomed into the usually-eighteen-plus establishment with open arms by the men of the guard and being passed a...

Oh.

Shiiiiiit.

Link looked over, rather panicked, at his father, who was now standing awkwardly. They peered at each other for a while, before finally the man in front of him cleared his throat.

"Uh, I have to. Get to work now." His nervous expression was changed to that of intense thought, before he shook his head and frowned. "When I get home, we're going to have a talk."

Blinking at the closing door, the boy in bed placed his head in his hands. His throbbing, aching head.

Apparently he really couldn't hold his liquor. Milk. Whatever. Fortunately, for a sixteen-year-old, he happened to know a few hangover cures.

With that, he descended (still rather bleary) to go to the kitchen for a cup of coffee. Black.

However, as Link stood in the kitchen doorway, dressed in nary but a pair of pale pants, he found himself staring at three brightly-dressed boys with the same face as him.

"Hi, Green! Want a pancake? I made a ton!" Red declared brightly, holding a plate of steaming pastries to the horrified teen.

Well, shit.

**44444**

"Do you guys even know how disappointed the princess is going to be as soon as she finds out we did this?" Green said, face a picture of panic. "Not only were we out drinking at _sixteen_, we pulled the Four Sword! And why? We don't even know!"

Blue, from his position with his forehead on the cool oak table, let out a quiet growl. "Would you be _quiet_? Honestly, if I wanted to hear to melodramatic babble, I'd talk to Red..."

"'Melodramatic'? You surprise me a little more every day, Blue," whispered Vio hoarsely as he eyed the other boy over the top of his steaming coffee mug.

"Shut uuuuup," responded Blue, more to the table than Vio, unable to do much else. He mashed his palms crudely over his ears and gnashed his teeth together silently, doing his best to ignore Green.

Green continued, pacing in the doorway. "Seriously, what was I thinking? The Milk Bar, really? Why couldn't I just have gone home and _waited_ or something?"

"Well, I'm sorry we offended your _delicate sensibilities_, your highness, now would you just be quiet?" Blue mumbled, not even bothering to raise his voice any more as the boy in the doorway continued chattering to himself.

Vio sighed as he took another sip of the brew, swirling the amount left around the bottom of the cup. "As much as I hate to agree with Blue, it would probably be better for... all of us if you just... sat down." He winced as Green, instead, reached a new high in his voice, and gulped down the rest of his cup.

Red frowned at being ignored, and prodded Green in the forehead with the plate of pancakes. "Hey, grumpy-Green!" he yowled, the volume of his voice making every Link in the room flinch and stop what they were doing. Red pouted, holding the plate out, and tilted his head cutely. "Do you want some pancakes or not?"

About to refuse, Green paused as his stomach squirmed as the scent wormed its way in his nostrils. Seeing the suddenly welcoming look on their leader's face, Blue made a strange choking noise, followed by Vio emitting an odd whine.

Blinking at the others over Red's shoulder, Green stared as Vio made a throat-cutting motion and blue waved his hands desperately, shaking his head. Their wide-eyed panic made Green quickly re-think his decision. "Uh, I think I'll pass."

The two at the table sighed, relieved, as Green sat down at the table between them. He frowned at them, before leaning in towards Vio. "What was _that_ about?"

Vio's usually calm expression was a little frazzled, but he quickly composed himself and stared down woefully at his empty cup, contemplating getting another, but not willing to go anywhere near the rather giddy boy currently at the counter.

Blue, however, quickly jumped at the question. "They're spiked. The pancakes, that is," he whispered, peering over at the boy clad in red.

Green's eyes widened as he looked over, terrified, as Red sipped from a glass – a glass filled with milk. "Has-how long has he...?"

"All day. He was awake before us, he's been nursing that bottle since we awoke. That, and using it in pancakes." Vio shook his head and placed the mug on the table with a soft 'clink' that again, caused them all to flinch. "We don't really have the heart to take it from him."

"Don't have the – what do you _mean, _you don't have the heart?" Green yelped, leaning back in terror. He began to stand up, starting in Red's direction.

A hand on his shoulder stopped him. "Think about it this way," Blue growled, "Would you rather have him wobbling around the kitchen, or crying about his headache?"

Green paled at the thought of the emotional theatrics that would ensue. He slowly sat back down. "Alright, so this is officially the worst day."

"I think it's a GREAT day!" came the sing-song (not to mention loud) reply from right behind him. Green spun to find himself suddenly caught in a tight embrace by Red. "After all, we're all together again! Or apart. Whichever!"

"Hrkl!" he replied thoughtfully.

Then, the most horrifying noise sounded out through the otherwise empty house.

A knock on the door.

Green found himself worming out of Red's grip and dashed into the front hallway. Steadfastly ignoring the sound of Red falling to the ground and letting out a fit of giggles and Blue letting out a pained wail, Green swung open the door.

A pair of boys, one in clothing similar to his own yet in dark shades with burning crimson eyes, and the other, less familiar, clad almost entirely in purple, with pale purple skin, stood in the doorway.

"'Sup? Hey, listen, can me and him crash here for a bit? We're a lil' out of, y'know, everything at the moment." Shadow grinned and pushed his way past Green. "Thanks bud, listen, this is Vaati, pretty sure you've met before. Say hi!"

Green found his hand pulled forward in a loose handshake position by Shadow in the general direction of whom he assumed was Vaati. The shorter boy sneered at his hand and walked after Shadow primly, chin in the air as he surveyed the area.

"Shadow, are you certain that we should stay in this... place?" questioned Vaati as he strode after the taller boy.

"Eh, don't sweat it, I'm sure we're allowed – this is the best we're gonna' get, see?" Shadow pointed out, kicking off his shoes halfway down the hallway. "Holy crap, do I smell pancakes? Kickass!"

Left alone with the door hanging open, an empty hallway, and a hanging hand, Green could only stare down the hallway as the commotion in the kitchen reached tenfold its previous volume.

Green closed his eyes and pressed his fingers to his temples, massaging his headache gently.

He wished he was lactose intolerant.

**444444**

Alternate ending lines:

He just hoped the author wasn't a yaoi fan. (Too bad, Green, too bad!)

It was like the plot of a bad fanfiction.

How the fuck was Vaati even Hylian?

He should probably warn them about the pancakes.

Seriously, though, where was his shirt?


End file.
